Letting Go is the Hardest Part

"Let Go" was the theme of today's yoga class. Yeah, since I got the job, and we have some more money coming in, I decided to start going to yoga again on a weekly basis. I'm going to Yoga Tree in the neighborhood at 3pm on Wednesdays. For some reason, it has a special price [$7 - half price! - cheaper than all other classes], and it means that I have to leave school early [oops! I'm supposed to stay on school grounds until 3:05pm...]. The teacher is super nice, but a little hippy-dippy for my taste [he makes a point of getting everyones' names, smiles an awful lot, speaks in calming tones, soothingly touches you, and stuff...]. I think, however, that it's good for me to go back to the same teacher every week. He SAYS that he can already see progress in me. "I'm just SO not very limber," I said after class today [I suck at accepting and believing compliments, so I immediately have to make a self-depricating comment...]. "But, I'm fine with baby steps." It's just bizarre to be standing there, ATTEMPTING to touch the floor without bending my knees [at this point, I can BARELY touch my shins], and look over to see the guy next to me doubled over with the top half of his body completely touching the lower part of his body. Freakish, I tell you.

SO, there we were, doing the "yoga sleep"/meditation portion of class [the portion that I refer to as The Sleep of Ages] - it's the last part of class, the most WELCOME portion after working every crazy muscle and sweating like a hog for an hour and a quarter, where you get to just lay there with a big thick blanket over you in the dark and drift away. Today, the hippy-dippy guy read some stuff about "letting go" and I just kept thinking about my day. Yeah, I TRIED to "breathe in the good feelings" and "exhale the negativity", and I attempted to "say 'Goodbye' to the thoughts" that sprung up in my consciousness, but they were SO strong and vivid. It's VERY difficult for me to just breathe through things and not worry about them. I'm a born worrier. In fact, I'm not sure what would take up residence in my brain if all of the worry decided to suddenly vacate. What do other people usually have going on in their brains? I'm always thinking about what happened, what's happening, and what things I have to do when the future happens. "Man, Jose really pissed me off today." "Am I breathing correctly?" "What if it rains again tomorrow? What will I do with the 3rd graders for P.E.?"

Don't get me wrong, the yoga rocks, and I step foot out of there [this is my 3rd week] walking on a cloud - like nothing can get me down - but, the whole mental part of it is tough for me. In essence, though, that's why I picked yoga. Really, it's the only physical activity that I can see myself doing at this point. I don't swim, I don't play sports, I don't do aerobics [lack of coordination], I don't do weights [unless you would like to pay for a personal trainer for me, then I might consider it], I'd probably take up running but we live in the big city and I would rather run in the countryside. I picked something slightly physical and slightly mental for a reason. Now, if only I would get my enrollment info from Kaiser then I could get a full physical checkup and sign up for counseling. Then, I'll hopefully really be on my way to letting it all go.