Cleaning things up II
I planned (single-handedly... pretty much) my second (AND LAST) ACL Institute this year. The theme that I chose was the one that I really wanted to do last time around (2014), but just didn't think that it would be much of a draw back then. This was the time for an Institute on Gender, so I went with it. Unfortunately, it lost a bunch of money (but the one I did in 2014 made a bunch of money... so I'm calling it a wash...) and was a headache and a half to plan. Just landmines everywhere, and this person wouldn't be a part of it unless someone like them was, and so on and so on. It just got derailed from my original intention... which was to really have a discussion about the messages that society gives children about "gender", and the damaging effects of these messages on society at large. Somehow, it became primarily about being transgender, with a small, "off topic" portion on the damaging messages that the media sends about gender.
The day after the event I just couldn't stop thinking about the words of one of the presenters (which is, for better or worse, preserved for the ages... I will say, though, that I was pleased about it because then Brian could understand where I was coming from) ... and so I feverishly scribbled the following thoughts in a spiral notebook. I just needed to get them out of my head. I'm transcribing them here so that they are in a more permanent place...
AND, YES, after speaking with a colleague about all of this, I'm certainly "tone policing" to a certain degree... I own that.
I respect their feelings and opinions, because I have no idea what their life has been like and just would never assume that I did.
BUT, it felt like they sat there all day and seethed and took notes and then let it all out on us - which felt incredibly unprofessional. ESPECIALLY if they had issues with how the day was put together - or played out - then they ought to have addressed me directly - and privately - instead of turning it into what they may have perceived as being a "teaching moment" for all.
It felt like they hijacked the day - again, it felt disrespectful to the other presenters/experts and the audience.
I feel like we need more hugging/positive human connection, so I wanted to hug everyone who presented - but, when they showed up and I went in for a hug, I got an, "I don't hug unless I've been asked if it's ok first." RIGHT THERE - though, again, I can't begin to know the reasoning behind not wanting to hug without first being asked - there is this immediate assumption (?) that the person going in for a hug has a nefarious intent...
...Which plays into their tone during their speech, which came across as insulting: "SIGH, let me school you all on the subject because you are clearly ignorant, with no knowledge and certainly prone to make mistakes."
I'm all for advocacy and activism, but whereas others who presented are intense in their feelings and passion (actually, to an intimidating degree - though I deeply respect them), these others just didn't come across as condescending. I can see activism as education - the person in question just came across as bitter and angry.
TACT - alright, if I made missteps, why not address it positively? Why not approach me with, "I appreciate your eagerness to tackle this subject and bring it to the attention of your peers. From what I see of your plan and the people whom you have chosen to book, here are the potential pitfalls I see you walking into and I'd like this to be as productive as possible, so here's some advice..."
HELL NO, of course (as they mentioned in some preceding emails) they probably feel like it's not their "onus" to help ME to "get it right", but then why come?? Bow out if it's looking like it's going to be offensive to you...
... it's almost as if (yes, I'm projecting) Friday (the day of the event I planned) will be what they lead with at their next speaking engagement: "You'll never BELIEVE what I had to put up with the other day... and from a bunch of librarians no less!!" (In their speech, they referred to having been at a speaking engagement at a university the previous week and being treated poorly...)
YES YES YES, my ego is a bit bruised - and, again, to them it's not about me - but as a well-intentioned pacifist who TRULY would never knowingly insult someone (unless they REALLY deserved it... [winking face]), I just don't appreciate having my motives be questioned. You don't know me, and though you CLEARLY have thoughts about how people should never judge you, because they can never really know you, why would you do it to someone else?? (Do they, as Brian posits, believe/assume me to be "straight" somehow? And, thus, are approaching a topic for which they believe me to have zero connection? Were they possibly not listening to ANYTHING that I said throughout the day, which called out my gayness and having always felt that I didn't fit the mold of either gender?)
The "5 Questions" portion is where I started to feel really singled out. There is SOME validity to the lack of representation, but you don't KNOW the lengths that I went to to try to alleviate these concerns (Berkeley teacher who cancelled at the last minute; breakout presenter colleague who had to go out of town; 3 or 4 tries at getting a panel of youth - each of these attempts being done MULTIPLE times... WITH ABSOLUTE ZERO response).
AND WHAT THE F**K am I supposed to take away from the "it's enough to give someone tonsillitis quip?? Did you have a conversation with the Berkeley teacher who cancelled last minute (citing tonsillitis...) which confirms your comment, or is it suspicion? And, if it's suspicion, how dare you question the intent of someone else - especially when the assumption is of this nature.
posted by Eric @ 4:03:00 PM
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