So, I went to my Kindergarten class for the first time today... I'm physically and mentally exhausted, and that's all I really want to say at this point.

Well, let me just relay one story: The students were instructed to draw a picture of a boy in the class who had been named "Student of the Day", and there was this one little girl who still had an empty piece of paper while all the other students were on to other things. When I asked her why she hadn't drawn anything she said, "I can't draw him." I spent a good 15 minutes trying to convince her that she could at least give it try and that not all people are really good at drawing but have other things that they excell at - AND, no matter what, we should always try to do things even if we think that we won't be good at them. It wasn't until about half an hour ago that I realized that I need to follow my own advice...

Ok, I just really need to not be so hard on myself (I'm making this longer than I wanted to...). I REALLY hate starting new jobs because I REALLY hate the feeling of being in a completely foreign environment. I HATE the feeling of not having an answer to a question, or not being able to take care of a situation by myself, because I am completely unfamiliar with my surroundings. It was my first day in the room, the teacher and I don't know each other that well; I have NO IDEA what to do with an autistic child who falls to the floor when you try and hold her hand or runs around the room doing her own thing while the rest of the class is sitting quietly on the rug; I don't know where to intervene and where not to because I'm not sure if the teacher is a control freak (ok, I'm pretty sure that he is) and would prefer that things were done his way; I don't know what to say to other teachers in the school; I don't know what to say to, or how to behave around, parents; I don't know what my rights/legal limitations are on what I can or cannot do with a child who REFUSES to follow my directions; I can't stand packing a lunch because I'm not sure what I'm going to feel like eating hours down the road; I am a creature of HABIT who feels completely out of the loop. Plus, I swear to god that I have some blood sugar issues, or something - midway through the day I just completely lose steam - like I'm, literally, zapped of all energy (any nutritionists out there who could offer some advice?).

I just have to keep telling myself that it was only the first day - and not even my official start day, at that. I can't expect myself to be standing tall over all of the students with a whole week of lessons planned ON MY FIRST DAY. Even Miles said that he hates the first couple weeks of school - so why the hell am I beating myself up? Oh, that's right, because that's what I've ALWAYS done...