My self-confidence level is beginning to wane.

It's mentally and emotionally exhausting to sit around all day with nothing to do and everything on the line. Brian has been good during this time, but I can tell that he's starting to crack.

Yeah, I don't currently have a job, nor do I have anything yet lined up for the Fall.

I honestly just don't know what to do. I've hit a brick wall and I'm feeling kind of paralyzed. It's just that I've never had to do a job search at this level before. All of the jobs that I've had thus far have involved going into an establishment, asking for an application, filling it out, turning it in, waiting for a call, going in and filling out paperwork, and starting. This that I'm in right now is COMPLETELY different. For one thing, this is a CAREER JOB we're talking about here. This is the rest of my life that is on the line. AND, like I said, I've never had to look for a job of this caliber before. No one prepared me for this. This is the real world and no one ever told me what to do in it.

To make things worse, I'm looking for a job from an organization that isn't kept afloat by customer sales. Everything they do, and the number of the people that they hire, is determined by government funding. Funding from a government that, maybe you've noticed, is a bit screwed up at the moment and has its priorities mixed up. In addition, teachers are only needed when there are kids to be taught. I've heard from more than one person "on the inside" that parents and their kids are fleeing this city in droves because it's way to expensive to raise a family here. [Heck, I know exactly what their talking about. We've barely keeping afloat and we're only supporting ourselves and two cats.] Less kids in the city means less teachers in the city. I feel like I have provided San Francisco Unified School District [SFUSD] with everything that they have asked for up to this point. Until they contact me with more information, I'm not 100% sure what else I can do. They did send out a rather insulting email a month ago that said:

Greetings.

Our records indicate that you applied to our Multiple Subject credentialed teacher pool earlier this year. Our District is currently establishing a list of available applicants. We are extending an opportunity for you to respond to our recruitment efforts.

If you are still interested in a teaching position with our District, please reply to this email. If you do not respond, we will assume you are no longer interested in SFUSD and remove you from our eligible pool of applicants.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! "We are extending an opportunity to our recruitment efforts"?? Well, I was pretty damn sure that I "responded to your recruitment efforts" TWO MONTHS AGO. And, at that time, you said that there would be district interviews at the end of May... and that date came and went without a word. Now you want to send out a casual email asking if I'm STILL INTERESTED IN A TEACHING POSITION?!

Well, of course I jumped when they asked me to jump and promptly responded to the affirmative. A few weeks later they sent out another email asking for a sample lesson plan which we would have to implement at a central office interview on a day to be determined. I complied [I submitted a lesson plan that I have done before with a class where we read a story called "The Letter" from Frog and Toad Are Friends. In the story, Toad is upset because he never gets any mail - so, in my lesson, we, as a class, compose a letter to Toad that will make him feel better.], and have yet to hear another word. To add insult to injury, I heard from a friend who is also going through the same "recruitment" hell that WE WON'T HAVE A CENTRAL OFFICE INTERVIEW. Ok, now I'm really paralyzed.

Not to mention, I'm scared shitless about getting a teaching job anyway. This was the feeling that prompted me to not finish the teaching program that I was in at Indiana University 11 years ago - that old self-esteem and self-confidence problem that has plagued me all my life.

SO, I'm at a standstill. I need a job, but it's like applying at a bunch of colleges and hearing back immediately from the ones that are really your second tier choices. Of course, the one that you really want to hear from is dragging its heels, and the ones that you would only go to if you didn't get into your first choice are saying, "Yeah, we want you! But you have to let us know ASAP." I could start applying to preschools [Am I underqualified to work at a preschool? Am I overqualified to work at a preschool?] for the Fall, but what if one of them wants me and I suddenly hear from SFUSD? Paralyzed.

Speaking of preschools, I called and emailed the Marin Day Schools about being a Summer substitute a couple of months back. EVENTUALLY, I got a message from a woman saying that they usually don't have much need for subs over the summer. Well, I called and emailed back at least 5 times to talk to the woman about the possibility and she never gave me a nod back. Whatever. Frustrating.

I went to a temp agency a couple of weeks ago to look at temp work [yuck]. They are looking into a possible mailroom/copy job they may have available soon. It's work that is probably well beneath me, and I would feel like a total moron taking it, but it would be work - hopefully low stress work. I just know that I will feel completely inferior to everyone in the office while I'm there. Like, "Look at that moron who's making copies and filing mail for us. Doesn't have any skills or higher aspirations in life??" I also applied, today, for a "telephone interviewer" job. I figured that I have a nice telephone voice [a "radio voice" as a friend's mother once said], could probably dress however I wanted [it's a TELEPHONE job - who's going to see me??], and could quit at a moment's notice when I finally got a teaching job of some sort.

Yeah, I'm petrified, lost, and feeling low, but I still hold hope that I will be teaching SOMEWHERE come September.