Today was: Oh, who cares? SUBBING SUCKS

Really, I HATE IT. IT BLOWS. The worst thing is that it REALLY makes me not want to be a teacher anymore. I have the Credential to show that I can be more than just a babysitter, but when kids won't listen AT ALL, and we can't get anything done during the day, then I feel like I have COMPLETELY FAILED. So far, NONE of my subbing experiences have been positive ones, but, rather, stress-filled hours of me barking at kids to sit down, shut up, and listen to eachother. Today was the longest 5 hours in recent memory - kids yelling, kids crying, kids not listening to a damn thing that I said. It's frustrating. It's upsetting. I hate it. Before I started the credential program here I thought, "I really don't think that I want to teach in the city." But, the experiences that I had in the program at a couple of schools in the city made me think that it wasn't as bad as I may have thought. Well, seeing the rundown, cold, uninviting schools that I've seen the past few weeks has somewhat made me think against the city again. I think that city kids are just forced to grow up WAY too fast, and have to deal with WAY too much horrible crap at an early age. The most upsetting thing that I've seen [and I've seen it everywhere that I've been] is how the kids treat each other. I've actually said to most of the classes, "Ok, it's one thing if you don't listen to me or show me any respect, but it's another if you don't listen to and respect each other. You are all teachers, and you have so much to learn from each other." Who knows, though, how many kids could actually hear my speech over the screaming and punching of their peers. I was in a Kindergarten today [where I will be tomorrow and Friday] and some of the girls were talking to [i.e. arguing with] each other like they were 30 year old women. "Shut up, you punk ass bitch, or I'll smash in your face." Nice, huh?

Oh, so I was under the impression that I was going to be in a Second Grade for these three days, but, when I got to the school this morning the secretary said, "Oh, no, it's a Third Grade. Yeah, the regular teacher was a crazy bitch [Yes, she used those words!] and left. Apparently she repeatedly called a couple of the students 'whores'..." Well, what ended up happening is the Kindergarten teacher took over the Third Grade class, and I was put in the Kindergarten. I guess the regular K teacher is PERMANTLY taking over the Third Grade, and they got a longterm sub for the K room, but she is on vacation right now. Lucky me.

To make the day even WORSE, I didn't get to eat most of my lunch today. I wolfed my sandwich down while looking over what we were going to be doing for Math time, and then started to go up to the Teacher's Lounge to get my macaroni & cheese, hard-boiled egg, and applesauce, when the school counselor brought the whole class into the room. Apparently they were so awful in the lunchroom that they didn't get to have recess, and, instead, were forced to sit in the room in their seats with their heads down on the table [which few of them did]. AARGGH! I was supposed to get dinner and a drink with my older brother's best friend [who's in town for a couple of days] tonight, but, when he called I mentioned that I was way to tired. Yeah, I should've gone anyway - if for no other reason than to force myself not to mull over the day - but, I've also got some planning to do for tomorrow. I brought home the Language Arts and Math books so that I can be better prepared for what we have to get done tomorrow. Showing that you are in control by knowing exactly what is going on academically is ONE way to gain some control in the room. If the kids sense that you don't know what you are supposed to be doing, it's a scent of blood in a pool of sharks.