Today was: not my favorite day

Right now, I'm feeling burnt out and I kind of just want Student Teaching to be over. There, I said it. I'm just emotionally and physically tired, and the fact that I was pretty sick all this past weekend certainly doesn't help my current mood.

I was having a pretty good day - in fact, despite the fact that I was sick all weekend, I woke up feeling quite good and ready for the day - and then Math time came. For various reasons over the past week we haven't been able to finish up the current Math chapter [patterns and left-and-right] so Miles and I decided just to wrap it all up today. Initially, I practiced with the kids some pattern making and extending, and then some left-and-right stuff. Then, I had them go to their tables to get their pencils, Math books, and crayons and return to the rug. We did the last Math book page together, then read this little tear out Math book together, and then I had them go to their tables to take the end of the chapter assessment "test". Throughout all of this, I kept looking over at Miles and saw that he was getting more and more uncomfortable with the way things were going. Yeah, I could've had a bit more control over everything, and, yeah, there was a bit of chatter and unfocusedness going on amongst most of the kids, but, I wasn't going to freak out over it. When we went out to recess I walked over to Miles and said, "Sorry. I could tell that you didn't really like what was going on in there." Right then, he made some comment to the effect of, "Oh, yeah, well, it was a bit more chaotic than what I would like, but, it was good to be able to see that." Ok. After school, though, he really let me have it. No, he didn't yell or anything, but he let me know in clear words that he thought that it went pretty poorly. Honestly, like I said, I didn't think that it went THAT bad, and, I told him that I was kind of proud of myself because I didn't let the fact that things weren't going 100% as planned frustrate me to the point where my frustration would effect the rest of the lesson.

Miles had to leave early, and this left me sitting alone in the empty classroom at the end of a crappy day, feeling pretty lousy. I started feeling really insecure and wishing that the whole experience would just end. But, even when this is all over, and I've got my credential, will I be able to get a job? I'm also starting to worry about my Solo Week which will be the week after Thanksgiving - I mean, if I get this exhausted only teaching one or two lessons a day, and a Solo Day wipes me out for a whole week, how am I going to be able to withstand an entire week on my own? I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling vulnerable and exposed. I've got 3 lessons to teach tomorrow, and a Solo Day coming up on Thursday [Miles will be out at a seminar], and I'm feeling kind of down on myself and my abilities. Hopefully I will bounce back by tomorrow morning.

I wish I still smoked, because I could REALLY use a cigarette right now.