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[The following, HONESTLY, was started on the day indicated - June 10th - the last day of school. I'm finally getting around to putting it up here, and finishing my thoughts...]

Today is the last day of school. I've been here for just under an hour already [I was way late today - much more so than usual...] and I pretty much have nothing to do. I'm not complaining, but it seems like there should be more fanfare. I just can't believe that I made it - wimp that I am.

So, here's what ended up shaking down: NO, I didn't quit. I waited around that day for the "woman that I kind of don't like/trust" to get out of the meeting that I was supposed to be at. Then, I hit her with it - I couldn't take it anymore... just couldn't do it. She suggested that I talk to a sub and get them to be me for the next week and a half and then I would just pay them under the table when I get paid for those days. Sounded fine to me, as long as I didn't have to be here. So, I talked to this one guy who works the afterschool program here who I know just got his credential and was on the sub list but, strangely, hadn't subbed here at all [this is called "foreshadowing", people...]. He said that he was busy for the rest of that week, but could definitely do the 4-day week that was coming up where I would be in 2 of the 1st grade classrooms. Excellent. He'd be me. I'd pay him. I'd come in maybe a couple of hours here and there to plan the end of the year picnic/carnival. Fantastic. But, we then had to go through the principal.

I haven't mentioned it much, yet, but no one likes the principal here. He's just a wimpy, absentee, spineless, non-follow-through, unsupportive dweeb. He KNOWS that I've been struggling in this job - just HATING subbing - and hasn't really been on my side at all. He's overwhelmed and it shows. I never expected him to drop everything and hold my hand, but at least he could've tried to help me in some small way. So, I talked to him about my plan and he said that I couldn't just pay this other guy under the table - instead, he'd call the district and see if there was some way that the money that I would be paid could just, somehow, be diverted to this other guy instead. And, if that didn't work out, then they would just end up getting a sub for me using school funds. I have morals so I said, "Well, I'm not going to make the school spend money it doesn't have on a sub for me. If my pay can't be diverted, then I guess I'll just have to suck it up and be here myself."

Which is what ended up having to happen.

I decided that no matter what, I would just be me on Tuesday and put in another day in the Kindergarten classroom that should've been mine [Miles old room]. There were only a couple of weeks left - I need to just swallow pride and remain calm and just DO IT. So, I did it. The day sucked, but I did it. Unfortunately, I had felt a sinus infection coming on, and it was now in full bloom. [Actually, I'm still sick - I've been sick for about a month now...] Wednesday morning I woke up and thought, "Screw it. I'm calling in sick today. Subbing in the bilingual Kindergarten classroom today be damned." So, I called in sick and Brian and I went to see Episode III on IMAX.

Thursday, since I hadn't heard from the principal about finding someone else to be me, I went in and did a day in that bilingual Kindergarten classroom. For as much as I despise the teacher in that class [Miles HATED him...] - and as much as most teachers at this school can't stand him - his kids were pretty well behaved and I actually had a good day with them.

Friday, I spent the morning in the bilingual Kindergarten again. I didn't do much because it was a day where a bunch of parents were invited into classrooms to cook with their kids, so the regular teacher did a whole lesson on making fruit salad and I just sat and watched for an hour. Then, I had the kids for an hour while he continued his end of the year testing. A little after 10am he came in and said, "Well, I'm done. You can leave if you want." I wanted. And, I left. Friday afternoon was spent back in the Kindergarten classroom that should've been mine. Those kids were insane. Ugh. Ick. Yuck.

Friday after school I got impatient, having heard NOTHING from the principal about whether or not it would be possible for this other guy to be me for the next week, so I tracked him down and he told me that the district hadn't returned his calls, but as long as this sub guy has a sub #, then it should be fine. Well, I went to see the sub guy to double confirm that he was set to be me and to get his sub # and found out that he didn't have a sub #. In fact, he hadn't followed through with the whole sub thing at all - he got about halfway through the process and just never pursued it anymore. Great. I guess I was stuck being me for 4 more days. DAMMIT.

Well, that weekend was a 3-day weekend - Memorial Day weekend - and it rocked. I had a great time, doing something and getting out of the house every day. School was the last thing on my mind. What may have helped was the 30 mg of fluoxetine that I was now taking every morning to combat that chronic, low-grade depression. [I'm still taking it, and it's working out quite well, thanks.]

[The following is me, TODAY, September 9th, attempting to piece together my scattered memory about those last couple of weeks... oh, so long ago... and, oh, so long ago forgotten. I'll do my best...]

So, yeah, one more week of subbing and it would all be over.

Well, the next week I started out subbing in the 1st grade classroom that was filled with the students that Miles and I had last year. So, this wasn't going to be QUITE as bad as it could be. Well, the first day went well, the kids were pretty well behaved, but the second day was a bit chaotic and out of control. I was going on total autopilot, didn't nip in the bud some stuff that I should've the day before, and I think that the kids knew that they could start to take advantage of me and do whatever the hell they wanted. It got pretty ugly, but I just kept telling myself that there were only a few more days left in the school year, and that I could make it.

[AHEM, the following is me, TODAY, NOVEMBER 16TH, attempting to piece together my scattered memory about those last couple of weeks... oh, I've been SO lax...]

The last couple days of that week, I subbed in another one of the 1st grade classrooms, the classroom that I decided was my FAVORITE in the whole school. Small group of kids, all REALLY well behaved and cool. We had a great time.

The Monday of the last week of school was the school carnival. Ok, so, last year this woman who works for a non-profit group came to Bryant and helped out wherever she was needed, taking charge of the school garden, and, ultimately, planning this end of the year picnic/carnival. It was a HUGE success, and as she wasn't around this year I thought, "Hmm, why don't I plan it this year?" Where was my head? What was I thinking? Well, honestly, I think that I volunteered because I knew that it wouldn't happen all all if I didn't step up and offer to do it. MOREOVER, and more truthfully, I took it upon myself to plan this thing because I felt like I hadn't contributed to the school very much throughout the year. All year, I was SO not motivated, took the easy way out at every opportunity, and didn't give much of myself at all. SO, I thought that this would be the way that I could make atone for my sins. Unfortunately, planning this thing takes A LOT of time, and what with being in classrooms for the last 3 weeks of school leading up to the big day, I didn't have a whole lot of time to get things together in the way that they should've been. I mean, sure, the thing happened [in short, each teacher hosted a game/booth and all of the kids rotated through them and then we all had lunch at the park where the thing occurred], but the day-of I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off and there were MANY hitches - like, the guy who was supposed to show up from the Parks Department to open the bathrooms at the park didn't [show up, that is]... and these are kids... who need to go to the bathroom... A LOT. One parent actually suggested that the boys could just go behind some trees. WHAT?!?

The last day of school was pretty uneventful. [Although, Miles showed up - he was back from his time in New Zealand. You know, the whole year I didn't email him ONCE. I guess it was because I was so ashamed and embarrassed over not getting a full-time teaching job.] I just went into a couple of classrooms here and there, but spent most of the day in my room just counting down the minutes. I felt lonely, like I didn't really belong anywhere, or have anyone to really say goodbye to.

Last year, on the last day of school, there was a cake and goodbye stuff for all of the staff that wouldn't be returning the next year. This year, there was none of that. At lunch, a card was passed around by the principal [JERK!] for the secretary who was leaving to pursue real estate. As the principal gave the card to me he said, "Oh, right! You aren't coming back next year either, are you? Well, just come back in the Fall to visit and we'll say goodbye to you then..." Is it any wonder that I hated being there and felt unappreciated??

At the end of the day, I walked through the hallways with my one little grocery bag full of the stuff from my "desk". One teacher stopped me and said, "So, are you coming back this weekend to get the rest of your stuff?" "Um, nope. This is it." In that moment, I realized, like I said before, that I never really committed myself to that job. Part of it was because it wasn't the job that I wanted, and part of it was because I never felt valued or essential there. SO, yeah, I take some responsibility for the year sucking.

As is the tradition, most of the teachers and myself went [after the last student left] to this bar with a large outdoor seating area and got WASTED. I mean, I haven't been that drunk in a LONG time. It felt SO good, and so necessary. One of the younger teachers and I almost got kicked out at one point for slam dancing each other into the fence. THEN, in one surreal moment, a couple dozen people dressed in animal costumes [yeah, the ones that they wear at amusement parks] walked in. We were floored and weirded out and laughing because we were all TRASHED and couldn't believe JUST how surreal it was.

At another point, the principal showed up [BOO!] and proceeded to drunkenly and systematically make his way around the table proclaiming to each staff member, "You know, I just love you. You are so great. I want you to know that you are really special and I appreciate everything you did this year." EMBARRASSING! DISGUSTING! All of us were just staring at each other in disbelief at such a pathetic and sad display. As he got closer to approaching each person, they started to shift uncomfortably in their seat. As he got around the table toward me, I leapt up and ran to the bathroom, hoping to avoid the inevitable, sloppy confrontation. Unfortunately, he cornered me on my way back from the loo. Ugh, what sad, sad man.

[Oh, and on a side-note, the principal NEVER got around to having me switch from doing P.E. to Art with the kids. Jerk. "I know how you hate teaching P.E., so after Christmas break we're going to have you start doing Art. I've lined up a local artist to help you formulate this big project!" [Cut to the middle of March] "After Spring Break we're going to have you start doing Art. I've lined up a local artist to help you formulate this big project!" [Cut to the end of the school year after the principal has offended and frightened off the local artist, AND neglected to spend a dime of some art grant money that he got...] I'M STILL FUCKING DOING P.E.! Although, I pawned off P.E. on WHOever I could, WHENever I could. If there was another sub on-site who was "free" in the afternoon I would corner them and say, "So, here's a ball, go play kickball with these two classrooms..." Unfortunately, one day a sub (who was doing my P.E. time for me) found a kid with a pornographic video box that he was showing around to the other boys - the movie, I kid you not, was called "Pakistani Poon #3" - and I got in trouble for not being there. Like, it wouldn't have still happened even if I HAD been there...]

Most of the teachers left the bar that night at a decent hour, but a handful of us decided to keep it going and sloppily hopped on a bus and went to another bar. I drank a bit more, and had to pull one of the teachers [who flashed the bartender her boobs in an effort to get a free beer...] [it worked!] off the bar where she was dancing precariously.

When I got home that night, I slept so soundly. Like, a HUGE burden had been lifted. I never had to go back there again, and it was such a relief.