I can't do it anymore

I'm done with this job. I've officially given up. 3 more weeks of school and I honestly don't have it in me to finish the year out.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday last week I had to be in one of the worst classrooms in the school. It's a Spanish/Bilingual first grade, and a few months ago there was a sub in there who was supposed to be there for 2 days and only, BARELY, made it through 1. And I was in there for 2 1/2 days. It killed me.

Today I was in the ELD Kindergarten [Miles' old room] and they ate me alive. I just don't have what it takes. I admit it - no shame. I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. I AM NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THIS JOB. When kids get out of hand [which, when I'm in the room, they inevitably do...] I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THEM BACK. I just don't. Today there were kids fighting, kids crying, kids running around. There were MANY points where I would be talking and notice that NOT A SINGLE KID was listening to me. My voice has become WHITE NOISE at this school. No one respects me, no one listens to me, and everyone thinks that I'm a total pushover. No doubt, it's all my fault, too. The kids shouldn't get out of hand in the first place... but they do when I'm around. I don't have the skill set to keep things moving and under control. I DON'T HAVE IT.

I can't take being in a classroom and not being shown an ounce of respect. I can't take talking and having no one listen. I can't take repeating myself over and over and over again. I can't take explaining something very thoroughly and having every kid then say, "What do I do here?" I can't take asking, then TELLING, a kid to do something over and over and then have them look at me and say, "No." I can't take one more kid tattling on another kid - especially when the tattler is just as guilty as the one they are tattling on. I can't take kids yelling out my name to get my attention - even after being told again and again and again, "Don't yell out. Raise a quiet hand and I'll come over to help you." I can't take seeing a mess on a table and saying, "Who was working here? You need to clean it up." and having every kid say, "Not me." I can't take having parents walk in the classroom at the end of the day to see things in total chaos - humiliating.... I can't take feeling unsuccessful - which is the feeling that I leave here with every day. I can't take not sleeping at night worrying about this stupid job. I can't take having absolutely NO support at this school. I can't take not getting an ounce of appreciation at this school. I can't take being taken for granted at this school. I can't take any of it anymore.

I'm supposed to be in that Kindergarten classroom again tomorrow and Friday, in the Spanish/Bilingual Kindergarten Wednesday and Thursday, and in the ELD 1st grade Tuesday and Wednesday and the other 1st grade Spanish/Bilingual Thursday and Friday next week [teachers are doing 1-on-1, end of the year testing]. That's 8 more FULL DAYS of being in classrooms. I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT.

There is a "professional development" staff meeting which I should be at right now - screw it. I'm just waiting around until the "woman that I kind of don't like" comes back from the meeting so that I can tell her that they either need to get someone else to do these sub days, or I'm quitting. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll need to quit because the sub budget has supposedly been tapped dry.

At lunch today, the Special Ed teacher came to me and said, "So, will you be relieving the 4/5 teacher today so that I can meet with her?" Um, no - I'm in KB all day. The Special Ed teacher then turned to the regular KB teacher and asked her if it would be OK if I was put in this OTHER classroom for the rest of the day. Oh, and I probably would be ripped from the Kindergarten tomorrow so that a 4th grade teacher could go to some emergency meeting. All of this stuff was discussed right in front of me, but I wasn't asked for my input on it at all. I said, "I'm sick of being a fucking pawn at this school. The principal knows that he needs to find someone else for these other 'emergencies'. If I'm put in one classroom all day, that's where I should stay."

Similarly, a few weeks ago I let the principal know that I won't be back next year. A couple of days later, I saw the 1st and 2nd grade teachers at lunch with a sheet of paper that said: "THINGS THAT ERIC DOES", and a huge list of things that I've been doing this year. I guess next year they want to really nail down what the person in my job position should do. This was the first year that they got this position, so no one really knew what my job description would be. I'm fine with them brainstorming things that they want the person doing this job to do, BUT, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE COME AND ASK ME WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING ALL YEAR?? How dare them make a handwritten list of my duties without consulting me as to what I've taken it upon myself to take on. Am I overreacting?

I would hate to leave these teachers in the lurch by not being here for them when they need to be released to do testing, but I just can't do it anymore. I tried quitting in March - maybe I should've just done it then. It would suck to miss the end of the year parties - especially the End of the Year Picnic which I am coordinating - but I just can't do it anymore.

I'm spent.