Recently...
The following was written on March 25th - I SWEAR! Thought that I would throw it up so that you have SOMETHING to read... yeah, it's been awhile...
About time for a grande update, eh?
Well, first off, I came this close to quitting my job a couple of weeks ago. It's odd calling it a "job" - I usually just refer to it as "school". I mean, it still strikes me as strange that I actually get PAID for being there everyday. It just kind of feels like I'm doing what I did there last year... when I worked my butt off and DIDN'T get paid. Anyway, things just got really overwhelming after that horrible day in the 4th/5th grade classroom [which I mentioned in the previous post]. I just had a week there where I felt COMPLETELY unsuccessful - like, nothing I did made any difference, and nothing I did was at all good. Oh, and what didn't help things was going to yoga that week and having a "substitute" yoga instructor who was like a friggin' aerobics drill instructor on speed. This woman killed me. She worked us so hard that by the end of it, literally, my arms and legs were quivering and I could barely hold myself up. There were 2 or 3 times during that hour and a half of hell where I thought, "You know what? I can't do this. I should just swallow my pride, roll up my mat, and just walk out. I so wouldn't feel like a quitter because THIS WOMAN IS KILLING ME." But, I stuck it out, and, as I mentioned, felt completely inadequate and unsuccessful.
So, on a certain Friday, I mentioned to the woman-who-I-kind-of-don't-like [more about her later] that I was SERIOUSLY thinking about not coming back on the following Monday. She asked what was specifically wrong and I told her, quite honestly, that I just didn't like subbing. I like most other parts of the job, when I'm NOT subbing in a classroom, but just REALLY don't like subbing. She asked what could be done to make me feel better about the job and I said, "Well, it's hard to say. I mean, the position is called the Site Support SUB. No way to really get around the whole 'subbing' thing because it is the whole purpose of the job." She mentioned having someone be in classrooms with me when I sub for extra support if I needed it, and having someone be outside with me when I have to do the damn P.E. time. But, I just really didn't want the job anymore.
I told the woman that I would think about it all over the weekend, but would definitely be back on Monday. I went home and spent some time on Craigslist looking for possible replacement jobs. AND, I ended up feeling even MORE unsuccessful. Nothing appealed to me, and I didn't really find anything that I felt even remotely qualified for. I ended up selling myself short and looking for any old customer service or retail job.
On Monday, I went in the Principal's office 90% sure that I was going to quit. I just really couldn't take it anymore. For some reason, I had a REALLY difficult time talking to last year's Principal, but this new guy doesn't intimidate me at all. So, I opened up to him and laid it all out on the table. He asked how long I'd been having these feelings and I told him, "Well, I've kind of been having them from the beginning. But, they intensified since coming back from Christmas Break. I mean, I went back to see family for the first time in a number of years and enjoyed myself for the first time in years. I moved out here to San Francisco to get away from family, and now I kind of feel like I need to get back to them." [Here I started to tear up] "My brother and his wife just had a baby and I don't want to miss her life. I feel like I need to be happy. I want to be happy and I need to do things that make me happy. This job isn't making me happy." He, too, asked what he could do to make the job better for me, and, again, I told him that it's just the very nature of the job itself that I don't enjoy. "I'm a creature of habit. I like predictability. I mean, I eat the EXACT SAME THING for lunch EVERY DAY. I crave routine. It stresses me out to come in each morning and not know what I may walking into."
The principal then launched into this whole bogus speech about how he relies on me, how I'm one of the only people that he can talk to, that I don't hold grudges, blah blah blah. Basically, just a bunch of junk to keep me from quitting because he wouldn't have the time or the energy to find a replacement for me. He also said that this is the time of year when EVERY teacher starts getting super stressed out and wants to quit. "I feel the same way," he said. "I mean, every day I think about how I should just quit and go to Greece and work in a Starbucks by the beach. I mean, I only like my job 50% of the time." O-k. Then, he said that I should just take a few days off to think about things. Which I did. [He said that he would get a sub to cover the classrooms that I was due to cover over those days, but, when I came back at the end of the week I found out that he never did...]
Before I left for the day I went and talked to the woman who works in the library for a good long time. She's my buddy. We bitch and moan about everything together. We dish gossip. We complain about teachers. She rocks. Well, on this day, she convinced me to REALLY think through my decision and to not base my decision on emotion. Rather, I should look at all of the positives and negatives - the major positive being the paycheck. This, ultimately, was the reason that I decided to stay - the money. Having this job really has afforded Brian and myself a lot more wiggle room each month. Are we financially secure? Hahahahahahaha. Hell no. But, we don't get our account balance down to pennies every month, and we can afford to buy little things here and there that we want. The librarian said, "Whenever you are in a classroom, just let it go. Don't stress. Don't kill yourself. You can only do what you can do. Just keep sight of the paycheck. Think about how each hour that you work is a CD or a concert or a dinner out - something that you really enjoy that you wouldn't be able to do without this money that you are making here." That pretty much did the trick. The first day that I took off I had pretty much decided to stay, but I still took the full 3 days off that the principal gave to me.
On the way home from school that day I thought really hard about what was sucking about the job. Part of it, I decided, was that I just don't feel like a huge part of this school community. And, yeah, I take at LEAST have of the responsibility there - I haven't necessarily given 100% of myself here. But, it's hard to extend yourself and be proactive and get involved when you just don't like where you are.
Also, it hurts that I'm there to relieve teachers, very often, when they need to go take care of some important "teachery" business. This whole job is a constant reminder that I DIDN'T GET A FULL-TIME TEACHING JOB THIS YEAR. It makes me feel like a complete loser and a total failure. And, to make it worse, I have to help people who actually HAVE full-time teaching jobs. It's like launching a huge campaign to be the President, losing, and then having to be the Personal Assistant to the President who was elected. Humiliating.
It's all made me question what it is/was about teaching that was so alluring. I've kind of come to terms with the fact that I may not be 100% cut out for the job. I'm just way to selfish with my time - I need my own space and I need to be left alone to do my job a lot of the time. I need a job where I can pretty much walk away at the end of the day and not worry about it, not think about it, and not have to spend my whole evening planning for the next day. I NEED MY OWN SPACE AND TIME. Plus, I just don't think that I can give the energy to be ON all day like this profession requires. Also, I feel like I spend most of my time "policing" kids. I don't want to be another negative force in a child's life. I want to be a supportive, comforting presence - but, if you behave that way in the classroom, the kids just totally take advantage of you - which has always been my problem. The kids here don't seem to respect me at all and that's frustrating and maddening. Is it my fault? Oh yeah - I take full responsibility. But, like I said, I don't like the idea of being a "hard ass" - it just isn't me.
I've also mulled around the idea that maybe I wanted to be an elementary school teacher because I just wanted to be in an elementary school everyday. Some of my favorite years were spent at Bailly Elementary. I felt comfortable and successful there. It was a home away from home. Loved every minute of it. By going into teaching was I just hoping to relive that feeling?
In the end it comes down to my happiness. I just want to be happy. Right now, this job is not making me happy.
Does it mean that I will NEVER EVER teach? Maybe not. Maybe it's just this school district that I can't stand. I'll always have my credential should I feel the need to use it later on down the road...
posted by Eric @ 10:22:00 PM
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